I spent some of this weekend thinking about the word redemption and what it means. Not necessarily the religious context of it, but the taking a wrong and making it right idea. I think this stuck with me because I watched a few movies over the weekend in which the themes were about making things right and using your pain to help others. Like everyone I have had some painful things happen to me and have struggled with the anger and despair that often accompanies being hurt. In the book The Shack the author calls his main character's pain (due to the murder of his youngest daughter) "the Great Sadness." This makes sense to me because some of the bad things that can happen in life seem so consuming that they haunt you no matter how hard you try to ignore them. I am often reminded of this fact when something new in my life causes me pain (a conflict. a death, etc). All of a sudden the floodgate of old pain re-opens and I find myself back at the beginning of my pain. At these points I find myself wanting to do something to bring back a sense of empowerment by speaking out and/or helping others who have gone through similar events. Once again being a private person works against me here. Also the problem for me is that my past is not just my own, but is shared and therefore not my own to tell. I grow tired of feeling like I'm hiding a large part of myself and of my journey, but I don't think it will be hidden for long. If I want to help survivors of abuse I need to acknowledge its own role in my life. You can't make someone sorry for the wrongs committed against you, but you can stand up for yourself and others. I think I need to see some kind of redemptive purpose in my suffering.
One thing continually bothers me as I read Diana Gabaldon's richly detailed story of Claire Beauchampe, a doctor who innocently walks into a stone formation in Scotland and winds up in 16th century Scotland. Much has happened since this beginning...Claire has married Jamie Fraser the young and impressive Scottish Laird (against her wishes), fallen madly in love with him regardless of a precarious beginning to their relationship, followed him around as they attempt to evade the English, fought with him at the battle of Culloden, been forced back through the stones to safety with their unborn child, raised their child with her ambiguous husband from the future, returned after her child had grown up so that she could find him, made a new life with him in an American Colony, and been surprised by the appearance of her daughter and new son in law in 16th century America. Through their many, often rediculous, adventures there is that one thing that my brain ...
this is a real dilemma. i've heard a few friends say similar things, and the desire to break the silence is pretty urgent for some.
ReplyDeletein terms of using your pain for good, though, that doesn't need to involve telling your story. after all, many of those who are involved in protecting and empowering others don't have comparable pain. if you're not ready to talk, that shouldn't stop you from helping.
i hope you keep looking for ways to make your mark!
Thanks Mara! You make some good points. Sometimes I forget that you don't need to have it all together to make a difference!
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